What had happened yesterday?
As Jaejoong woke up from his white sheets in the hotel, he found that he was all alone.
He had slept late, and woke up late too.
Headache. Did he drink again last night? What did he celebrate?
Then he remembered. He fingered his collar. The black bead necklace he used to wear around his neck for good luck had gone.
“Yunho-yah, safe journey. Don’t remember to cover your mouth with a tissue on the aeroplane if you want to sleep. Eat, listen to your stomach. Don’t diet just because your appetite is not there.” Jaejoong unhooked the necklace around his white neck and put it around Yunho’s. “There. So that I will always be with you, to see if you don’t eat.”
“You were always with me, Jaejoongie. And you always will.” Yunho told the lead vocal of Dong Bang Shin Ki.
To refresh his memories, Jaejoong showered, picked some clothes from his suitcase, cooked five boiled eggs and left them on the dinner table.
When rain falls, I’ll be the umbrella that covers you
When the wind blows, I’ll be the wall that shields you
Last night, Jaejoong remembered. I was celebrating the first official time after the case that they had sang together on stage with five members. Who had said it was not five? Dong Bang Shin Ki had always had five members. If it was only four members, then they wouldn’t be the Dong Bang boys, it wouldn’t be Cassiopeia.
“Jaejoongie, no!” Yunho warned. “Those are-”
Crash! The sound of broken glass and ceramics. “Oh no…” Jaejoong murmured. The waiter was glancing a shocked look at the pieces on the floor. “Let me do it, oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t see.”
Junsu and Changmin were teasing each other again, while Yoochun were laughing at both of them. It was a casual night for them, like the old times where after they had a concert, they would have a big toast.
“No, Boo, let me do it. Your pretty hands will get cut, and that’ll be a shame.” the leader frowned. “Move aside.”
“But it wasn’t you who knocked it over!” Jaejoong declined, he still kept picking up the sharp pieces of glass. “Ah- Aaiish..” Blood dripped down from his middle finger, onto the brown wooden table.
“No need,” the waiter took control of the situation. “You are paying guests, it is our honour to have you here with us. Here,” he got out a bandage from a white box. “Put this on your finger.”
“I am so sorry, I’ll pay for my damage, how much are these plates?”
“Aigook…nonsense. It doesn’t matter. The owner doesn’t mind at all. She said she was delighted to have such big stars coming here.”
Yunho slowly bent over, caught his beloved Jaejoong’s warm fingers and gently sucked on the flowing blood. “You clumsy man.” He grinned. “When I’m not here, promise me you will take care of yourself.”
On the other side of the room, Junsu and Yoochun were having a drinking competition and the magnae was counting how many glasses were drunk. They were obviously not wasting any of this precious time, they knew these times were rare in their condition. In this restaurant, they are making new memories.
Jaejoong’s raised head answered so many questions. “Don’t say that. That’s why we always have to be together. Isn’t that what you are here for, to take care of us? Then don’t be apart from me and you can always see if I am doing something stupid.”
And however deep the dark of night,
Tomorrow will surely come
Alas, that night ended, just like the summer had to change to autumn for a new summer to start next year.
“Remember your promise,” Yunho whispered to Jaejoong, as he stepped into the black van. “Don’t give up. Donna ni yami no fukai yoru demo kanarazu asu wa kuru kara… ” he grinned. “While I’m not here, take care of Yoochun and Junsu. Don’t let them run off to somewhere they shouldn’t!”
How many days until he could see the leader again? Their solo schedules are piling up, more than their group activities. Is this the beginning of the end for Dong Bang Shin Ki? No, he shook his head. He shouldn’t think like that. But what would Cassiopeia be with only four stars? We are not Dong Bang without one of the members.
He found that he was wandering around the streets, with his snow-white hands in his jacket pocket. Walking to an unknown place, letting his legs do the choosing. I need to do this more often, he thought. He felt refreshed after going out of the stuffy hotel. Where is Junsu and Yoochun anyway? Probably doing something related to Junsu’s most recent offer, the Mozart musical. He already broke one of his promises to Yunho.
The flowers that bloom in spring (Love, Love, Always)
And the sandy beaches of summer
After a couple of minutes – or was it hours? Time was moving in a weird pattern for him these recent days – he realised that his surroundings were unfamiliar. Where was this? The place was beautiful, the air was fresh and clean, and some people were having fun with whoever they were being with. He was, of course, alone. But he didn’t feel like he was alone. Letting his mind reminisce the old memories, he laid his back against a wooden bench near a big tree.
The times he had spent together with the people he loved, his family, his friends, the other members, was playing all at once. The faces of people he hadn’t seen recently were as clear as ever. His mother’s scent, his old apartment, the flowers that grew near his house… his life had a lot of happiness in it. A smile gradually grew on his face.
Never feel sad about your sorrow, his mother had said to him. Sadness is the starting point to the journey to finding happiness. Just like failure is the start to success.
His mother was here with him. Her hand caressed his hair gently, as if handling a fragile light. Love lingered in the air, and although the weather was chilly, he felt a warmth wrapping around him, like a blanket. Jaejoong’s scalp tingled. That touch, that voice… like the sun shining down on the world, melting all the cold frozen hearts below.
An autumn evening (Love, Love, Forever)
And a sunny spot in winter…
The scenery changed. Faint sounds of a piano filled the air. The smell of soup lingered.
“Hey, is dinner ready?” the dolphin asked. “God, I am so hungry!” he sniffed the delicious aroma. “Yoochun! Hyung’s already made dinner! Hurry before it gets cold!”
“Wow, Boo, that was quick,” Yunho said “I was just thinking of the perfect soup to match the weather outside.” His usual grin appeared. “Can you read my mind that easily? You should teach me how to cook.”
The Dong Bang apartment was also full of love. That was one of the places where he can find true tranquillity and peace, although the place was sometimes full of chaos.
Now, the members were here, in this park with him. Junsu was playing football with Yunho; due to Junsu’s old dream of being a professional football player. Even though his dream couldn’t come true, his other dream had become reality. Yoochun was sleeping against the oak tree, and Changmin raiding the picnic basket. They were acting like small kids that still hadn’t grown up on their first summer picnic.
He was watching his old memories one by one, but it felt so real…
However many seasons come and go,
Our prayer will transcend even time and space
Rewind, Fast forward. It didn’t stop. The memories kept on coming, sometimes one by one, sometimes all at once.
He wanted it to happen again, he didn’t regret anything that happened, no, maybe if just a little mere something did not happen, he wouldn’t be Hero of Dong Bang Shin Ki. He was glad.
And now he was hoping, praying, that the pleasure he had felt would happen again, that the people he loved and cared about knew that he loved them, that he would continue his life as a happy man… with other smiling people.
Far away… (In a corner of the universe)
Far away… (I think about you)
Yunho paced the bathroom once again. Though tired and sleepy from the early flight back to Korea, his mind and heart was wide awake. What is happening in Japan now? Were his dongsaengs all right?
In the faded mirror, the face of a worried man frowned at him. I do look a bit thin, he thought. I haven’t eaten since last night. His stomach immediately responded to his thoughts. Then he remembered the sweet scent of Jaejoong’s cooking… and the voices of the others around the dinner table, on their usual Sunday morning. He wasn’t hungry for takeaways; no, he wanted food from Jaejoong’s effort.
Who ever thought they could be in a situation like this? A text message offered no calm to his self. Calls were no use to fix his bleeding heart. He wanted everyone to be alright again.
I want to call it a miracle, this feeling,
And I want you alone to know
So that he will be at peace, what was to be done? He didn’t know; he couldn’t fathom the reason why everything had to be like this. Was it because he had had too many happy memories filled with smiles?
Is this the turning point for them? Is it for the sake of something new, to start a brand new life? Is an ordinary life what he wanted all this time? Always, the answer was a mere I don’t know. Again, he shrugged off those questions and started to think more positive. As the leader, he was the one who should encourage the others. If he could not encourage himself to do better, what kind of a leader is he?
Yet another question. Another question that needs answering. Sad, it is sad.
He hoped that the stars would always shine upon them. Praying that the Rising Sun will bring them the answer to their endless trail of questions, for the Purple Line to lead them to the true eternal happiness. And so that this Love Is Never Gone, he will Look At The Sunset and Believe in the power of five. For the Love In The Ice to melt away, so that the waves Don’t Bring Me Down, he reassured himself, he had to Hold(ing) Back The Tears. Here comes TVXQ! The Dong Bang Fighting Spirit is back! Love Is All I Need, he claimed, to Share The World, to show the true Colors to all the other people who are down in the dumps.*
While stopping along the way over and over again,
We share smiles and tears alike (more and more)
Living this life, knowing how sorrow feels like, is the destiny of every person that is born into this earth. They all believed that. There is absolutely no one whose life was level, no one had never felt sadness.
Even if just for one second, he could change the world’s tears into smiles**, he would do it. Jaejoong’s head slumped again to his mother’s shoulder, to remember her fragrance again. As his hand reached for the smiling woman’s hands, the image disappeared. He was leaning against a hard tree. Running his shivering fingertips along the pattern of the wood, he wrote his life story on its wavy curves. The roads of fate that he had walked these few years were as bumpy as the texture of the tree. Just like no life is straight and flowing, no tree is smooth without roughness.
Because this journey the two of us have made (this journey)
Won’t just fade away
The dim lights in the bathroom suddenly changed, and the scenery changed into a spring morning. Cherry blossom floated down slowly to the soft soil beneath his feet. Then he realised, this was two years ago, when one of their singles reached number one in the Oricon Chart. But one thing was wrong. There was nobody there. Except…
Except for a man, sitting next to a big tree. A person that he missed so much although the last time Yunho had saw him, it was last night.
Step by step, Yunho approached Jaejoong.
When rain falls, I’ll be the umbrella that covers you
When the wind blows, I’ll be the wall that shields you
Letting himself relax, he sat down on the other side of the tree. He laid his hands on one of the big roots.
Silence followed his actions. Seconds passed. Still no words.
“I know…” Jaejoong whispered. “I’m supposed to smile.”
Yunho straightened and gazed deeply into Jaejoong’s glistening eyes. “You make me want to cry when you are like that. Do you want to see me cry?”
“No… I just realised that I have been taking my life for granted. All the laughs we had…that’s just the first side of life. I’d only known the bright daytime. I have forgotten that a moonless night follows the day.”
“Jaejoong-” he couldn’t stand to see Jaejoong like this.
“No need to say those words again, Yunho-yah. I know that true happiness depends on the person himself.”
“That’s true, but you also need to know that I am still here, Junsu is, Yoochun is, and Changmin is still with you. If not in person, in your heart. We are, we were, and will always be behind you, pushing you on.”
Jaejoong lifted his bowed head, revealing red swollen eyes. “Promise.”
“Even if I didn’t say that I promise you, you would know what I say is the truth.” Yunho said. “But, I promise” he sighed.
A chilling breeze froze the already shivering Jaejoong. Poor guy, thought Yunho. He was wearing clothes that did not suit the cold weather. He felt awkward, because he himself was wearing a thick sweater, yet the person next to him was wearing just a short-sleeved shirt with a thin jacket over it.
Heat rushed up inside Jaejoong as Yunho’s hands clasped over Jaejoong’s fists and blew on them carefully. “Ah, so your finger is healing.”
And however deep the dark of night,
Tomorrow will surely come
Jaejoong stayed in that position until he could not stand it no more. He wanted to tell the leader, he wanted to show him all the love that he kept in his heart. One questioning look from Yunho was just the sign he needed. Jaejoong’s fingers caressed Yunho’s cheek, and then with a smile, he leant closer.
There was no one to interrupt them, no one to refuse this forbidden love. They had the whole dream world to themselves. The world where everything was fine again, where only smiles existed and tears were only tears of happiness. Where music played all night long and the sun shining all day.
But alas, it was only a dream world they had created in their imaginations.
Jaejoong woke up to the sound of schoolgirls laughing. In reality, back on earth, he was still a long distance apart from Yunho. It was still a cold winter; the trees were naked, unclothed with pink blossom. It was already afternoon, but the sun was not exposing herself, she was still hiding behind the blanket of clouds. When he wanted to reach out for the man he loved, he couldn’t. He had to accept the fact that he couldn’t wake up to the voice of his beloved Yunho, to the sweet flavour lingering in his lips, and the heat of his skin anymore.
========
I want to tell only you
That tomorrow will surely come
Something near his hips vibrated. He flipped his phone open. One text message.
“항상 변함없는 시선을 줘요 언제나 지금처럼.”***
Jaejoong scrolled down the screen. Then his heart leapt, and tightened at the same time.
“ 사랑행요.”
…………………………………
Closing his phone, he shook his head. What had happened? But he knew, he had fulfilled his promise to Jaejoong, in a better way than he actually hoped.
(*): The titles of their songs
(**):一秒だからも世界じゅのなみだ止まって笑顔に なってくれるのなら, taken from the Colors song.
(***)Please keep looking at me with the same eyes, always and forever.
AlwaysAyumi 